Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
