I just threw up on my dentist
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
