btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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