help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
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I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
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I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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