I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
where am i from again
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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