He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
