Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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