I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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