So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
