id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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