I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
