when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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