Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
