Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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