I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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