Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
