WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
