he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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