Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
