A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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