so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
