I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
