I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Randomize
