no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
