Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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