I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
