Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Thank you for not boning my boss.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
