Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
