I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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