A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
