He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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