Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
3pm strippers are depressing
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
