dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
