fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
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