Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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