So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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