Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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