so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
