Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
