i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
