Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Randomize
