My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
