He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
