How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
