I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
