The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Randomize
