Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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