She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
false alarm, still single
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
