im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
