A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
