This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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