Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
