I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
