Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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