listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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