She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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