I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
